Talking to Yourself Can Make You Happier

by David J. Pollay

My four-year old daughter and I were walking through a nature preserve last year when she stopped, turned around, and looked right up at me and said, “Papi, what did you say?”

I said, “Ah, nothing sweetie.”

“But Papi, I heard you say something.”

“Oh, Eliana, I must have been talking to myself.”

And then she asked me the big question, “Papi, why were you talking to yourself?”

Why was I talking to myself? That was a great question. I didn’t know. I didn’t even know that I was doing it!

While you might be smiling right now, you know you do it too. We all do it. If you don’t believe me, try this quick exercise.

Take a quick break and email me what you have read so far in this column. You can reach me at david@themomentumproject.com. Okay?

Stop! Now what are you saying to yourself? “Why is he asking me to do this? I don’t have time right now. I don’t do exercises. I’m not emailing a columnist.” That’s all self-talk. As I said, we all do it. Everybody does.

And we talk fast. We speak out loud at approximately 200 words per minute. Yet we speak to ourselves at more than 1,300 words per minute. At this rate we might have over 45,000 thoughts per day. The problem is that many of these thoughts aren’t helpful.

What does this mean for us? Roy Baumeister, a leading Psychology researcher from Florida State University, has found in his research that people remember bad events more often than good events. So if we are more likely to remember the bad stuff, and we talk to ourselves at an incredible speed, how much of what we say to ourselves helps us live a better life? Are we more successful, and are we happier?

15 years ago my grandfather taught me that the answer can be “yes” if we choose what to say to ourselves.

I was visiting my grandfather in his home in Augusta, Maine. We called him Bumpa. He was 86. Bumpa was having a rough morning; he was not feeling well. He had a right to feel bad; he was a survivor of three major strokes.

That morning I walked down the short hallway from the guest bedroom to the kitchen. I stopped when I heard his voice. I slowly peeked around the corner and I saw him sitting in his rocking chair. He was staring at his legs as he was saying, “Legs don’t fail me now. You can do it. You’ve always been strong. I have a lot to do. Let’s go legs. I’m getting up.”

Thirty minutes later Bumpa was outside in his backyard chopping wood. Here was a man the doctors thought we had lost three times. He lived to be 90 years old.

My grandfather taught me the power of self-talk.

I’m at my best when I think about all the support I have, the strengths I have been given, the successes I’ve had, and the goals I have now. I’m at my best when I choose what to think about.

And it was my four-year old daughter’s question that reminded me to choose the self-talk that will help me to live my best possible life. Eliana also helped me remember how much I loved and admired my grandfather.

David J. Pollay is a syndicated columnist, creator and host of “The Happiness Answer™” television program, an internationally sought after speaker and seminar leader, and the author of “Beware of Garbage Trucks!™ - The Law of the Garbage Truck™.” Mr. Pollay is the founder and president of TheMomentumProject.com, a strengths-based training and consulting organization with offices in Delray Beach, Florida and Washington, D.C. Mr. Pollay is also the associate executive director of the International Positive Psychology Association (IPPA). Email him at david@themomentumproject.com.