Ask Dr. Sharon

Dear Dr. Sharon, I have a great daughter who is 10 years old.  I recently told her she couldn’t go to a co-ed party at her friend’s house whose parents I don’t really trust to provide proper supervision. Now, my daughter is furious and said she hates me.  I am devastated- she never said that before. 

I know it must be very hurtful to hear your daughter tell you that she hates you.  However, try to do your best not to take it personally.  She doesn’t really hate you.  This behavior is normal for a child your daughter’s age and, in no way, indicates how she really feels about you. 

At your daughter’s age, children tend to feel one emotion at a time, and it's all-encompassing.  This explains why your daughter may get ecstatic about one thing and very angry about another.  When things are going her way, she probably adores you.  However, when things don't go her way, she may feel that life is bad and that you're bad — and, therefore, that she hates you.

What happens often is that children merely copy what they see us do in many situations — such as "I hate waiting for the bus!" or "I hate it when the phone rings during dinner!"  If your daughter sees you express emotion about certain things by saying “I hate…” (Even if it is an inanimate object), she may not know the difference and, as a result, express her emotions to you by saying she hates you.  As tempted as you may be, avoid belittling her feelings by saying something like “You’re lying…I know you love me” or “There’s no reason why you should be so upset.” 

Remember that your daughter is at an emotional age.  Children her age go through many pressures- social, physical and peer.  The best way to handle this is to acknowledge her emotions without judging them.  If you see that your daughter is upset, you can say something like, “I can tell from the way you’re acting that you’re upset.”  Sit down with her and ask if she can tell you what it is that’s making her upset.  If she has trouble, you can help her identify the causes such as, “You’re upset that I won’t let you go to that party.”  In this case, you may want to explain that you do trust her, but that this party is not suitable for her.  Explain to her that you realize she is upset, but you made this decision with her in mind.

Also, explain to your daughter how to voice her feelings in more appropriate ways.  Without making her feel bad, you can simply tell her that when she says she hates you, it really hurts your feelings.  As an alternative, teach her how to talk about what is bothering her by saying what emotions she is feeling (i.e. “I’m angry” or “I’m frustrated”).