Ask Dr. Sharon

Dear Dr. Sharon, My daughter is starting school in the Fall, so therefore our nanny will no longer be working for us full-time.  I’m concerned that our daughter may be so attached to the nanny that she may not ease into school easily.  Any advice on how to soften the blow? 

Just as children get attached to their parents, they also can form attachments to their nanny or caregiver, especially if they are used to seeing this person on a daily basis.  Eventually, however, when children get old enough or go to school, it may be time to part ways with that nanny or caregiver.  This separation may cause some stress for the child, known as separation anxiety.  How severe the separation anxiety is depends upon the child’s age and how long he has been with that caregiver.  The longer the child has been with the caregiver, the harder it may be.

Separation anxiety is not necessarily a bad thing.  Growing attachments to others shows that a child can form strong relationships.  However, it may take time to transition from one caregiver to another or from a caregiver to school. 

The following are some tips parents can use to ease the transition:

• First and foremost, parents should sit down with their children and talk about their feelings about the caregiver leaving.  Parents should never minimize their children’s feelings or tell them they are overreacting.  Instead, they should acknowledge that it may be sad at first to not see the caregiver as much. 
• If it is possible, although the caregiver may not be watching the child on a full-time basis, try to arrange time for a social visit.  It helps children to know that they will still see the caregiver at some point in time.
• Parents should emphasize to children the positives of their new caregiver/school. Have children come up with a list of things they think they’ll do with their new caregiver or at school, such as painting, reading, taking field trips, etc.  This allows the child to focus on what is to come, rather than the past.
• If the child is transitioning from a caregiver to school, make sure a routine is set up.  Leave extra time in the morning so that no one is rushing. Start the day with a good breakfast, positive reinforcement and a cheerful attitude. 
• If possible, arrange for children to meet their new teacher or caregiver ahead of time, so the person is not strange to them.  This will ease them into their first day. 
• When you drop your child off, make sure you reinforce that the new caregiver will be taking good care of him. 

Email your questions to askdoctorsharon@yahoo.com

Sharon Fried Buchalter, Ph.D., is a distinguished clinical psychologist, family/marriage therapist, relationship expert and author.